And see: "What Is It With the Iowa State Board of Regents?!" Iowa City Press-Citizen, May 16, 2014, p. A7, embedded in "Iowa's Economic Foundation? Graduate Education & Research," May 5, 2014; "April 1 Update: Early Deloitte Efficiency Proposals; Early Revelations Shock UI Faculty, Staff," April 1, 2014; and "UI Says, 'Deloitted to Meet You,'" March 29, 2014, with ongoing updates.
Having successfully rebuilt a flooded university, UI's President Sally Mason, like a spunky, inspirational football coach at halftime, is once again asking her players to dig even deeper in battling the Regents' ongoing attacks: "We've faced challenges before, and I know we'll accomplish this if we all work together." Sara Agnew, "UI Lays Out Its Plan to Boost In-State Enrollment; Will Use More Paid Advertising, Raise Social Media Presence," Iowa City Press-Citizen, June 14, 2014, p. A1.
What's she talking about this time? Responding to the Regents' nonsense about funding Iowa's universities on the basis of numbers of enrolled Iowans. As they say in business, "You get what you measure," and if the Regents want to count Iowans the UI is determined to measure up.
In addition to President Mason, the UI is blessed to already have as its "Vice President for Strategic Communication" the experienced, creative, and energized Joe Brennan. As Sara Agnew reports,
Brennan said he’s confident changes will come in response to a more aggressive four-pronged approach to UI’s marketing plan.I thought, "This is a terrific beginning, but what more might we do?" Who better to ask than the creative folks at Delight Consultants?
First, UI’s news service will ramp up its efforts to reach news outlets inside and outside of Iowa to raise awareness about the university.
Second, UI will use more paid advertising, which includes a new television commercial expected in early July.
Third, UI will continue building its digital and social media presence, working to engage more people on Facebook and other channels such as Instagram.
Finally, UI will continue to reach prospective students through email, postcards and brochures.
After being put on hold and transferred a number of times, a fellow who said his name was Happy Joe, the new accounts manager, came on the line. He gave me what they call their "Delight-ful Welcome," and asked what he could do for me. I explained our plight. Remembering that Sara Agnew had quoted Joe Brennan as saying "there is a $1 million marketing budget," I asked what we could get for $1 million.
"I'm so glad you asked me that, Nick," he said (we were immediately on a first-name basis), "and you're going to be glad, too." He continued, "You see, we have a boilerplate report we give to all the universities confronting your challenge. Usually we charge $2.5 million for this publication once we change the wording to make it look like it's just for them. But this week, and this week only, we're only charging $1 million for that four-page document -- if you don't mind that we haven't personalized it for your school."
"Sounds like a real bargain," I said, "but can you give me some idea of the suggestions it contains."
I was amazed at his willingness to answer my question and continue the conversation, as he launched into a long list of suggestions. Among them were:
"Ignore the Regents' academic admission standards. Of UNI's student admits 15% don't meet them, why should you try to?" he asked. "Don't let pride of quality education get in the way of numbers. With no admission standards you should pick up quite a few more Iowans. Sell it as more fair. Use a slogan like, 'Eliminate academic elitism. Give everyone a chance to show what they can do.'"I was surprised President Mason and Joe Brennan hadn't mentioned Father Guido Sarducci's approach, and that I hadn't thought of it earlier.
I told him Sara Agnew had reported that "UI admissions will pull its weight by contacting Iowa high school students much sooner, reaching out to them as early as their freshman and sophomore years." "Hey," he responded, "Don't they know that college football coaches are looking at kids in junior high and even sixth grade? Why wait so late? What you need to do is find a way to get into the hospital delivery rooms when these kids are born. Babies love a soothing voice. They'll remember you later. And it gives you a chance at the parents when they are most vulnerable, and already enrolling their kids in everything from quality preschools to colleges."
"Have you thought of redefining 'Iowan'?" "What do you mean?" I asked. "Your residence requirements are far stricter than they need to be," he barked. "The relevant legal standard is 'domicile,' not 'residence.' 'Domicile' is a measure of personal intention, not external evidence. Where do you intend to live, more or less permanently? You can make instant Iowans out of anybody, so long as they're willing to swear they intend to make Iowa their 'domicile.'"
There was a brief moment of silence. Then, "You know what you ought to do?" "No, what?" I asked. "You guys ought to get out there on Interstate 80 and block traffic. Governor Christi has written a manual for us on how to do it. We will include it if you want with our four-page manual." "That would be great," I said, "but then what?" "Don't be so dense. You sign 'em up. One form to declare Iowa as their domicile. Another to enroll in the University's free online instructional program. Your governor seems to think online instruction is really cool; he says that's why you don't need a College of Pharmacy building. So he and his Regents should support that idea. That could almost immediately double the number of Iowans you would have enrolled."
"I've got to go," Happy Joe said, "I'm backed up with calls from other schools right now. But here are another couple of quick ideas. Trying to reduce binge drinking is killing your enrollment. Try to regain your Princeton Review ranking as a party school. And for goodness sakes no more early morning Friday classes. Frankly, you really ought to only schedule classes on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Nothing like the opportunity for drunken four-day weekends to attract the young ones -- especially if you'd repeal your silly ban on smoking on campus." [Photo credit: "Top 20 Party Schools," Princeton Review, 2013, reporting the UI as nation's top party school.]
"Anything else?" I asked hopefully. "I assume you've considered Father Guido Sarducci's five-minute university. Five minutes may be a little extreme. But you could have a one-day college degree. Send Iowa City's pilots out around the state to fly them in, and then back home the same evening. Think about it. Send me the $1 million, and I'll get our four-page report right off to you. You'll see why we're called Delight Consultants." And he was gone.
If you're not familiar with the bit, actor Don Novello's character Father Guido Sarducci notes that five years after they graduate, college students remember very little of what they learn. He asserts that all they remember could have been taught in five minutes, hence the "five-minute university." He illustrates with Spanish ("¿Cómo estás usted? Muy bien"), Economics ("supply and demand"), Business ("buy something and sell it for more"), and Theology ("Where is God? Everywhere. Why? Because he likes you"). You'll find the video clip at the bottom of this blog essay.
The idea of a Five-Minute University -- or at a quality school like UI the more rigorous one-day university -- opens up a number of other possibilities for tier programs for Iowa students.
As a boy, Justice Hugo Black (for whom I clerked) attended an institution called Ashland College, which "not only awarded B.A. and B.S. degrees, but also included a grammar and high school." [Hugo Black, Jr., My Father, p. 9.] The University of Iowa once contained "University Elementary and High School" (from which I graduated in 1952). If the UI were to re-establish such a school, and the Iowa Child Welfare Clinic (for two-to-four-year-olds, which I also attended), it would be perfectly reasonable to count all Iowans attending either as "University of Iowa students from Iowa" it seems to me.
There are already cooperative programs between the UI and Kirkwood Community College. What if we would simply incorporate Kirkwood into the University as an additional college. That would add a lot of Iowans to our student rolls.
Perhaps we could have separate tracks, or tiers, for those who enter the University of Iowa under the old academic standards track, and those who enter under the new no-academic-standards-whatsoever track.
The possibilities are endless. As President Mason has said, "We've faced challenges before, and I know we'll accomplish this if we all work together."
What ideas can you offer?
Father Guido Sarducci's Five Minute University, YouTube, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO8x8eoU3L4 [3:56; 1,208,584 views; “Don Novello created the Father Guido Sarducci character in 1973 after finding a monsignor's outfit for $7.50 at a St. Vincent de Paul thrift shop. Adding sunglasses, a broom mustache, cigarette and a thick Italian accent, Sarducci became popular in a San Francisco nightclub.” “Don Novello,” Wikipedia.org, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Novello. Don Novello appeared during “the early 1970s on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In and later in the 1975 Smothers Brothers TV show. His most prominent appearance was on Saturday Night Live in the late 1970s, during which time [Don] Novello was also a writer for the show.” “Father Guido Sarducci,” Wikipedia.org, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father_Guido_Sarducci
